When do you think it will all become clear, because I'm being taken over by the fear

(shirt - Goodwill, skirt - Macy's, tights - Target, heels - Payless. Photos by me.)

“Who’s ready to get naked?”
We all laughed as we began undressing after our matinee show. Another successful performance; we were all in high spirits. I went into a corner and shed my costume, slipping into my normal street clothes.

As I was taking off my dress, a small brown movement caught my eye.
Hey, what’s tha-OHMYGOD A SPIDER!
I shrieked and dropped my clothes.
“AH! SPIDER!”
A stream of profanities escaped from my mouth as I hopped around the room.
“KILL IT! KILL IT!”
My cast mates stared.

Suddenly, Jeff burst into the room, waving his shoe in the air and wearing only his boxers.
“WHERE IS IT?”
“THERE! THERE! KILL IT!”
He descended on the spider with a mighty blow, slamming his shoe on the carpet.
The spider crumpled next to my tote bag, slain.
“My work here is done.”


For as long as I can remember I’ve always been scared of spiders and snakes. I suppose it’s an irrational fear, like most other fears, but I can’t help fearing the little critters anyway.
I think it’s the way they move, their legs, or lack of it, give me the heebie jeebies.

Although some fears remain the same, there are some fears I’ve outgrown.
For example, when I was really young, I used to be scared of bathrooms, wolves, and the deep end of swimming pools.

I always swam in the shallow end of the pool. For whatever reason, I was frightened that some invisible shark lurked in the deep end, ready to pull me under when people weren’t looking.

Besides swimming pools, I was also scared of restrooms when I was little. To this day, I’m still not quite sure why I was scared of bathrooms. I just remember hating closing the door and feeling trapped and surrounded by mirrors. I used to dread going to the bathroom or taking showers alone, and using public restrooms by myself.
The first thing I would do when I went into a bathroom was to throw open the shower curtain. I finished my business as fast as I could and sprinted out, going into the kitchen to wash my hands.

I remember one incident when I was 7 years old and a babysitter was over watching my sister and I. She was sitting downstairs working on homework and I needed to use the bathroom upstairs. Ashamed, I finally worked up the courage to ask her to go upstairs with me and wait by the door until I finished.
It was something I always felt embarrassed about, and my cousins, misunderstanding my fear, used to tease me that “the toilet monster was coming to get me”.

When I younger, I also had a fear of dogs/wolves, mostly due to an accident with a policeman’s German Sheppard who bite my face when I was a toddler. The scary wolf in the movie The Never Ending Story and the demented dog in Wishbone’s The Hound of the Baskervilles only reinforced my fear of canines. The growling beasts haunted my nightmares and made me the cat person I am today.

However, now that I’m older, I’ve made peace with dogs, swimming pools and bathrooms, and I’ve outgrown those fears.
And now my fears are replaced with new worries.

As high school comes to an end...I’m worried about my future.

I try and look to the future and…I’m scared.
I'm scared of never finding true love. I'm scared of forgetting my dreams, and dying, lost and unfulfilled. I'm scared of never achieving happiness. I'm scared of life passing me by.
I'm scared of all these things.
So scared that sometimes it bubbles up inside me and I feel like my chest is being sucked into a black vortex.

I start college next year and I’m filled with conflicting emotions of excitement and fear.
I feel like I’m not prepared for the real world yet. I still don’t know how to change a tire, or pay bills, or cook something other than microwave dinners.
Am I ready to live on my own?
I’d like to think that I am, but I’m not so sure anymore.

But I know that I’ll overcome these fears eventually, like the others. Sometimes all it takes is taking the plunge in the deep end or finally closing the bathroom door.



I walked over to the dead spider, its brown body lying limp on the ground.

It looked smaller than I thought.

“Where’s my thanks for saving your life?” Jeff picked up his shoe and brushed himself off.
“See? There was nothing to be afraid of. You’re so crazy sometimes Juliette.”

Here's my photos from the cast party later that night (yes we had a pinata!):